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Love and Respect Seminar Notes.

Assumptions to remember during conflict

Trust the goodwill in the heart of your spouse.

Would you trust your children with this person?  If so, then surely you can get along with them.

(my thoughts, what if you believe the heart of your spouse no longer has good will toward you?  What if you don’t trust your spouse to take care of your children?)

The Crazy Cycle

The crazy cycle is when she feels unloved so she is disrespectful toward her husband, and he feels disrespected so he is unloving toward his wife.

How to stop the crazy cycle?
Men must Unconditionally love even when she isn’t lovable.
Women must show Unconditional respect even when he doesn’t deserve it.   1 pet 3:2
Which partner will break the crazy cycle?   The one who sees themselves as the most mature.

The Energizing Cycle

The wife needs love expressed as below.  Husbands, do you remember how you expressed your love during courtship?


C.  Close, face to face

O.  Openness, not secretly mad

U.  Understanding, empathetic, listen and bear her burdens without trying to fix them.  She talks to report feelings, release emotions, to realize her feelings.  All for building rep-ore.

P. Peacemaking, be one flesh, conflict must be resolved or it will come up later.

L. Loyalty, be committed, don’t even look at another woman, she is loyal as the care giver, it’s in her nature.

E. Esteemed, treasured, valued, she wants to be first in importance. Nourished and cherished. Encouraged.

The husband needs respected expressed as below.  Wife, do you remember how you treated him during courtship?

C.h.a.i.r.s” a man feels he chairs the marriage. 

C. Conquest- appreciate his work and achievements. Genesis – Adam was commanded to work.  Men are sensitive to being considered a loser. Believe in him. Work is not optional for a man’s identity as it is for a woman. Praise him.

H. Hierarchy – appreciate his need to protect and provide and die. A Goodwill man sees being the head not as a right but as a responsibility. He needs your admiration. Don’t mother children so much that you neglect the spirit of your husband.

A.  Authority – appreciate his desire to be strong, lead, and make decisions. 1 Tim 3 managers at home. Eph 5 ‘he is head’. 1 Tim 2:12. Woman shall not have authority over her man. He can’t be responsible without authority.

I. Insight. Appreciate his analysis and counsel. Appreciate his strength to be a fixer.  Men and women need to guard against self righteousness when counseling.

R. Relationships – appreciate his desire for a shoulder to shoulder friendship not face to face. Men want to do activities together not talk face to face. Men want your companionship.

S. Sexuality. Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy. Proverbs – Be satisfied with the breasts of the wife of your youth.  1 Corinthians 7 Deprive not one another. As a woman needs emotional release a man needs sexual release.

Women feel loved when…

1. Hold her hand

2. Hugs

3. Affectionate without sex

4. Openness

5. Tell her about your day

6. Talk without harshness or cell phones or other distractions.

7. Listen to her

8. Repeat back what she says

9.  Appreciate her contribution to the family.

10.  Say you are sorry. Ask, will you forgive me. This is a turn on for a woman.

11. Keep the relationship up to date. Resolve issues when you see her spirit deflate and follow number 10 above.

12. Pray together after a hurtful time.

13. Be loyal by not looking at other women. Leave on your wedding ring.

14. Speak positive about her around others.

15. Don’t use the D word as a threat.

16. Esteem her in front of others.

17. Praise her for what she does.

18. Value her opinion in the gray areas.

19. Be tactful when you disagree with her idea by sincerely saying you are thankful, thinking about her ideas, and that you value her opinion.

Men feel respect when you…

1. Tell him thank you for going to work every day.

2. Cheer his success in work and sports.

3. Listen to his dreams -even if he doesn’t intend to do them.

4. Look up to him for his desire to provide, protect, and die for you.

5. Tell him he is strong when you squeeze his muscles 🙂

6. Honor him in front of others.

7. Thank him for his advice.

8. Applaud him when he fixes things.

9. Tell him you just need him to listen and not to fix.

10. Tell him that not only do you love him but you also like him.

11. Do recreational things together without always talking about the children and sometimes without talking at all.

12. Allow him to be alone sometimes.

13. Initiate sex with him.

14. Respond more often to sex. How can you expect him to always have eyes for you when you continually deny him sex nor make an effort to look good for him. What if your husband didn’t talk to you for days. That’s how he feels without sex for days.

15. Let him confess his sexual temptations without shame.

Wouldn’t you want your daughter to be treated like this by her husband, and wouldn’t you want your son to be treated like this by his wife. Of course, then why not treat your own spouse this way.

The Rewarded Cycle

We will be rewarded by God eternally according to our good works here on Earth.

Unconditional love and unconditional respect will receive eternal rewards.

Marriage is for procreation and pleasure, but Marriage is also a tool and a test to demonstrate your love for Jesus Christ.

You love Christ by loving others, and Jesus is watching.